I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
The smoothest fall of all time
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?