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If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!