Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
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[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Don’t touch that.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.