Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
You Might Also Like
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
🤣🤣🤣
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.