How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
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Me too door. Me too.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Oh yeah that’s it
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
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“How’s your day going?”
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”