I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
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As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.