“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
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I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.