behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
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Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
The news
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.