{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
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I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.