Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
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As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.