*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
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EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.