It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
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Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”