Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
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Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?