“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
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Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I’m already scared
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no