I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
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[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.