Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
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Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.