Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
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genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
We need to put an American base on the sun
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Just grow your own
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Is this you?
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.