“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
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Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened