I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
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Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
True freaking story!
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Every house has this drawer
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
first you must answer his riddles
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM