If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
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They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
The first matador
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.