I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
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cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere