If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
You Might Also Like
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
jesus christ confetti not now
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house