According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
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*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy