me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
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me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?