“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
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8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”