I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
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The devil.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”