So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
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[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?