My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
You Might Also Like
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Perfection.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Tuesday
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Where is your GOD now????
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Meanwhile in Portland…
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.