My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
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I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
mathematically impossible
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO