“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
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Running your mouth is not cardio.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”