Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
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My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.