Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
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*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
How to woo a woman