Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
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we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.