Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
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[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.