doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
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Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…