[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
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A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Why are bridges so flammable.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later