my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
You Might Also Like
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
we’re dead?
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all