People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
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My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.