JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
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8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then