The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
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*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
The French word for sex is croissant.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.