If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
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“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]