Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
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Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.