I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
You Might Also Like
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
A choir of Spring onions
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on