I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
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“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.