This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
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DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.