You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
You Might Also Like
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.