I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
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Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
*jazz hands*
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.