Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
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A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Feels
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?