[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
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While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.