HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
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I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws